What My 20s Taught Me About Relationship

When I was in my 20s, I was endlessly curious about love and dating. I was this innocent girl who spent way too much time in her own head—juggling studies, internships, work (you name it), and escaping into movies. Not surprising, since I studied Film Production.

I didn’t have the kind of upbringing where you could just ask your parents or older siblings.. about love, “What is love? What is dating? How do you date? What am I supposed to do?” If I did, I knew I’d be met with judgment, laughter, or answers that weren’t even close to what I needed.

So, like most of us, I turned to Google and learned the rest by diving in headfirst. I made mistakes, stumbled, and sometimes even crashed hard.

Now, as a 30-year-old inching toward 31, I’ve learned a lot after dating different people and navigating the chaos of love. If I could sit my 20-year-old self down, to share what my 20s had taught me about relationship, here’s what I’d tell her.

1. If They Want To, They Will

And let’s be fair—this doesn’t just apply to men. Anyone who truly cares will make an effort. When you’re genuinely interested in someone, you naturally do something about it. Maybe you hold eye contact a little longer, start a random conversation, or even daydream and smile when you think of them.

It doesn’t matter if someone is shy, awkward, or quiet. When people really want something, they’ll figure it out. It’s never about not knowing how. Deep down, we all KNOW how to show we care. The real question is whether we WANT to act on it or not.

If there’s no effort, chances are they’re just not that into you. And that’s okay. We’re not supposed to like everyone, and not everyone has to like us back. It’s not really about who they are, but about how much we value them. When someone matters to you, you make the effort. When they don’t, then you know exactly how much they value you.

Back in my 20s, I didn’t fully understand this. When a guy said things like, “I’m just not the kind of person who likes texting,” I believed him. I thought it was normal that I carried the entire conversation, waited days for a reply, or only heard from him when he needed something.

Eventually, I’d realize the relationship was going nowhere. The moment I stopped trying, everything stopped. When I asked, “Do you love me?” they said yes, but their actions never backed it up. And when I questioned why I didn’t feel loved, they’d throw in excuses like, “I’m just not that romantic,” then highlight some bare-minimum effort and expect me to be thankful.

Looking back, it makes sense why I struggled to understand what love was supposed to feel like, because I didn’t grow up surrounded by affection, so I had no reference point. I couldn’t tell whether I was asking for too much or settling for too little.

These guys made me feel like I was being too demanding. But deep down, I always wondered—was I, really? What exactly did I demand? Is asking someone to reply within a day too much? Is wanting to be missed too much?

I blamed myself. I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough to keep the relationship alive. I believed their excuses. I was convinced I was the problem.

Sounds silly now, doesn’t it?

But I wasn’t alone. A lot of us make these mistakes in dating.

So here’s what I wish someone had told me back then: if someone truly loves you, they will try. You won’t have to ask—or worse, beg—for their attention or effort.

When someone loves you, they’ll want to learn about you: your likes and dislikes, your childhood, your dreams, your fears. They’ll want to know how to make you smile (in their own way).

2. Judge Your Partner by Being Passive

How do you know if someone is right for you—or at the very least, a genuinely kind person? How do you judge their character?

The simplest way is this:

stay quiet.

Don’t chase, don’t initiate, don’t fix anything.

Just observe.

I say this because I used to be the one who put in all the effort. I would do so much for the other person that I left them with no space to show what they were willing to do for me. And that’s a problem.

If you want to know whether someone truly cares about you, you should stop over-giving and watch how they respond when you stop giving. When you go quiet, do they notice your silence? Do they check in? During a date, if you’re not talkative, do they try to keep the conversation alive—or do they let it die?

When you’re unwell, do they notice? Do they offer help without being asked? Do they try to ease your pain in small, human ways?

Here’s what you shouldn’t rely on: asking. For example, saying, “Can you get me some medicine?” and thinking their yes means they love you. Sure, people might help when asked—but love isn’t something that happens after someone asks for it. You don’t fall in love because someone told you to. Love comes from within, unprompted, and only the person feeling it knows why.

What I’m trying to say is this: if you’re clearly in pain, and they just watch, smile, and carry on like nothing’s wrong, you don’t need to ask anything. You already have your answer. They’re not the one.

And I learned this the hard way.

When you stay passive, people reveal who they really are. You don’t need to beg for their time or attention. Just step back and watch. Their actions, or the lack of them, will tell you everything you need to know.

You can even use this tip when you're just getting to know someone. I’m not saying you should stay silent the whole first date. What I mean is try to be quiet at some point (especially if you're the kind of person who lights up the room or is the heart of the party). Stop keeping the conversation going. See if they reciprocate.

And if anyone ever tells you, “Maybe YOU were the problem. Maybe you treated him badly, and that’s why he treated you like that,” here’s the next thing I wish I’d known:

3. Choose WHO You Listen To About Relationship

When I was younger,

I used to take advice from everyone.

They said...

Be patient. Be fun. Be creative. Be playful. Be sexy. 

Blah, blah, blah.

But here’s the thing—they didn’t know what I was going through. They didn’t know my partner. And they definitely didn’t know how it felt to be me at that time, at that age, at that situation, in that relationship.

People who don’t truly know you—and don’t know your partner at all—aren’t always the best people to give you advice.

That’s why everything I’m sharing here is what I wish I’d told to my 20-year-old self, not specifically for you. Maybe you don't relate. But if there’s even a tiny chance you’re going through what I did, I hope you’ll find something here that clicks.

So, let me say it again: filter who you listen to.

For example, if you’re dealing with infidelity, you’ll probably want to talk to someone who’s actually experienced that themselves. Sure, you can read books or Google it, but it’s completely different when you’re living through it firsthand.

Sometimes, people who haven’t been through something traumatic themselves can be overly logical. They don’t take into account that we’re human—we feel things. They forget how heavy those emotions can be.

I remember when I found out my soon-to-be husband had been cheating on me for two years. I was shattered. My older sister called me and casually said, “Just leave him. What’s so difficult about it?”

Ha?! What’s so difficult about it? 

Well, I guess if I were a robot, I could just hit the reset button and move on.

But I’m not.

I poured my heart, my trust, my money, my time—my entire self—into that relationship. I was ready to commit my whole life to him as his wife, only to find out he’d been having fun with other women behind my back the entire time.

It wasn’t an easy thing to just walk away from.

That’s why it’s so important to choose carefully who you turn to for advice. If they haven’t walked in your shoes, they might not truly understand what you’re going through. And honestly? Sometimes the best advice comes from within. Listen to your gut. Trust yourself. You’ll find the answers you’re looking for.

4. You Should Not Feel Lonely in a Relationship

I can't stand it when people say, “If you feel lonely in a relationship, it just means you're seeking validation.” Seriously? After speaking with so many couples and living through it myself, I can confidently say: people feel lonely because they are lonely.

Here's what usually happens:

They do the chores alone.

They make all the plans.

They get excited about the future—alone.

Meanwhile, their partner just drifts through the relationship, waiting to be told what to do next.

So if you're feeling lonely in your relationship, it’s not all in your head. But it’s worth asking: why do you feel that way? Is your partner physically absent? Or are they there, but mentally and emotionally checked out? Sometimes, the hardest kind of loneliness is when someone’s body is next to you, but their mind is miles away.

I remember saying, “We’re in a relationship, but it doesn’t feel like one. It feels like I’m dating myself.” And it was heartbreaking.

Of course, there were always excuses:

• “I’m just busy with work.”

• “I’m going through a lot right now. I can’t focus on us.”

• “I’ll make it up to you. Let’s go out next week.”

But here’s the truth: it’s not about priorities. It’s about presence. Even people with demanding jobs and packed schedules can still be emotionally available. I know this because I’ve been that person. I love my work. I care deeply about my goals. But when I love someone, I make sure they feel loved.

So if I could do it, why couldn’t he?

It’s not rocket science. No one is asking for grand romantic gestures. We’re just asking for the simple things:

• To be fully present when you spend time together.

• To ask, “How was your day?” and actually listen.

You don’t need to be a poet or a hopeless romantic to do these things.

You just need to care.

And if you’re planning to get married for love, here’s a critical checklist: you should not feel deprived of that feeling.

Loneliness can push anyone to the brink—into a version of themselves they don’t even recognize.

I know this because I became that version. Staying in that kind of relationship turned me into someone I didn’t want to be. It was frustrating. It felt like an endless, lonely battle, which leads me to my next point...

5. Stop When It’s Not Right

Let’s be real—when you’re in love, you get dumb.

Even the sharpest minds turn blurry.

It’s not a gender thing. Love makes fools out of everyone. You miss the obvious. You excuse the inexcusable. You hold on longer than you should.

That’s why staying grounded is so important. Even when your heart is all in, you have to keep your eyes open. You have to learn to spot the red flags early. Because the longer you ignore them, the harder it will be when everything falls apart.

Here’s something people don’t say enough:

It’s better to be alone and lonely than to be with someone and still feel alone.

When you’re alone, you have options.

You can go for a walk.

Move cities.

Adopt a dog.

Call your friends.

Build a new routine.

You can choose your way out of loneliness—because you’re in control.

But when you’re with the wrong person, you lose that control. You’re tied—maybe legally, maybe emotionally, maybe just by the day-to-day life you’ve built together. And if that person is the one causing your pain, you're stuck waiting for them to fix it. Which leads us to the hardest truth of all:

You can’t make someone change.

They have to want it.

They have to see that something is wrong.

And if they don’t? If they look you in the eyes while you're breaking down and say,"I don’t see the problem..."—that’s not just painful. That’s soul-crushing.

Because it means your pain is invisible to them. Your feelings aren’t real to them. And love, real love, doesn’t do that. I think:

Love doesn’t ignore.

Love doesn’t dismiss.

Love sees.

And if they refuse to see you, that’s your answer. Loud and clear.

Before you commit to anyone, learn to recognize when it’s time to walk away—on your own terms. Set your boundaries clearly.

For example, I decided that if communicating with my partner makes me uncomfortable because I know it will upset him, trigger defensiveness, or lead to fights—and if after I share how I feel, he doesn’t try to find a solution together—then it’s time to walk away. It simply doesn’t work. I can’t imagine spending the next 40 years feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.

Life without a partner is already hard enough. I don’t need someone who makes it harder. What I truly need is a partner—someone who works as a team with me, communicates clearly, confidently, and helps build a peaceful life together.

So What Does "Right Relationship" Feel Like?

The right relationship feels like a solid team effort.

You might not always agree and sometimes argue, but the key difference is this: you don’t argue to win. You share your feelings honestly, and the right person listens—really listens. They value what you say, try to understand your point of view, and don’t care about keeping score. It’s not about winning the argument, it’s about understanding each other. And that goes both ways.

In a healthy relationship, you feel seen and understood. You sense you’re on the same wavelength. You might have different interests or hobbies, but that doesn’t matter. What counts is feeling loved, heard, and supported.

Most of the time, it’s peaceful. There’s little to fight about because you both focus on listening & supporting each other.

So those were the 5 lessons I wish I could’ve shared with my 20-year-old self:

1. If They Want to, They Will

2. Judge Your Partner by Being Passive

3. Choose Who You Listen About Relationship

4. You Should Not Feel Lonely in a Relationship

5. Stop When It's Not Right

What about you? What’s the one thing you wish you knew when you started dating?